Unlike many women, when I was a little girl, I didn't dream of being a mother someday. My dreams took me to far off places where I could pretend to be someone other than who I was. I would escape to places that brought me out of rural Maine, out of the closet, out of my uncomfortable skin. I knew I was different, and knew I didn't feel that I belonged.
So, I left. I left rural Maine and moved to Central New York. I attended Utica College of Syracuse University for two years and dropped out because I couldn't afford the tuition. So, I worked for two years and then decided I couldn't go anywhere I really wanted to unless I finished my degree. I completed it at SUNYIT. During that period of my life, I traveled many paths trying to find a place that I belonged.
My journeys took me on quite the adventure. I met so many interesting people along my way. Those people each hold a page in the passport that represents my life. I learned a lot from each of them. I learned what falling in love feels like, and what a broken heart feels like. I learned how to love, how to hurt, how to be good and how to be bad. I learned many things and the most important lesson I learned was that no matter where I went, no matter whom I was with, and no matter where I worked, I was still me.
I decided to slow down a bit and get to know myself better at about the same time I met my wife. She, unlike me, always knew she would grow up and have a little boy someday. When I fell in love with Donna, I started to fall in love with the idea of parenthood too.
Suddenly, the idea of parenthood became a reality when we found ourselves expecting a baby. Imagine my joy when I learned Donna was pregnant. What fascinated me about my personal reaction was that within a moment of learning Donna was pregnant; my entire brain seemed to rewire itself for motherhood. I could almost feel it happening. Suddenly, everything was about our baby. I couldn’t wait to meet him.
Yes, Donna’s prediction was right; she would have a boy and what a boy he is. He is so handsome, and smart, and funny! He’s a chip off his mother’s block. His big blue eyes fixed on me the moment he was born and I knew that he could see my soul, even if he couldn’t see much beyond a foot or so in front of him. He touched my heart in a way no other person had, and he taught me how to be a good mom.
His sister has reinforced those lessons and has taught me how to love myself, as well as her. It’s been interesting having a girl. Something visceral woke up when I looked into her eyes. She holds an invisible mirror up each time I look into her beautiful eyes, which look so much like my mother’s. I understood when I looked at her, why my mother loves us all so fiercely. Skye helped me feel closer than ever to my mother. In a strange way, loving her has helped me to love the child I never felt comfortable with: Me.
My own self-acceptance was a gift to myself and my children helped to wrap that gift in the most beautiful wrapping ever. And now, not only do I feel really comfortable in my own skin, but my family senses that comfort and they are better for it, too.
So, motherhood is magic. It’s so simple, it’s profound. I finally found a place that I belong. It smells like baby shampoo and freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. It feels like legos and story books and it sounds like lullabies and laughter. It looks like a nine year old curly-haired boy and a four year old blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl and two loving parents who adore them.
Hunter and Skye have proven to be my compass and have brought me home, where I belong.
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