I love Oprah Winfrey. I absolutely ADORE her. Her show went national when I was in high school and since being an adult with responsibilities at 4:00 PM, I have taped or DVRed her show. Now that she has launched her OWN network, I'm in Oprah-heaven. I was watching "Oprah Winfrey Presents Master Class", where she uses celebrities to teach life's lessons using their own lives as teaching tools. This week's class features Oprah herself. At one point in the program, she said that for every show she does, her intention is to teach her audience about whatever topic happens to be showcased. She loves to help people achieve "aha" moments; those epiphanies where suddenly things make sense or they are better able to understand issues with which they had struggled.
I like to think that by choosing to live authentically and openly, Donna and I, along with Hunter and Skye, are helping others to think about gay marriage and same sex parenting differently. For us, it's simply marriage and parenting as we move through the day to day grind. We don't put the "gay" or "same sex" labels on it. Our family and close friends rarely do either. They see us struggle with the same work/life integration issues and time management challenges they do. Since these are all common issues it creates mutual admiration, understanding and a priceless support network.
The moments I love are those teaching moments that occur with people outside of our comfort zone. Those people who are in our peripheral vision and sometimes, we don't even realize we're being observed. Initially, they suddenly realize that our family is different. Then, as they continue to watch us, they recognize familiar themes. They see two parents teaching manners ("Please don't interrupt us, Skye"), setting boundaries ("Hunter, do I look nine years old to you? I have to believe you wouldn't talk to your mother that way."), and reveling in cherished moments of unsolicited affection (kisses, hugs, I love yous, and reaching out to hold our hands). That familiarity strikes a chord and helps these strangers realize that whatever other labels people have for us, whether it's gay, lesbian, or inter-racial, the bottom line is that we are parents first and our kids are happy and well-adjusted.
So, when folks pry and ask how we became parents, our answers help them understand that it was by the grace of God and some really great doctors, just as any other couple who has fertility issues. Suddenly, they have that look that says, "I never thought of it that way." I love those moments!
Circling back to Oprah, who inspired this piece, I recognize that she has had no small impact on my own life and the choices I made and continue to make. She is a modern-day Horatio Alger story. She has beaten unbelievable odds and moved through the world with a divine confidence that propelled her to unimaginable success. Like Oprah, I believe that God is in every detail and that everyone's life has a purpose. I hope that I move through the world open enough to hear the universe whisper in my ear, telling me what direction I need to take so that I'm walking the path meant for me. I want to make a difference in the world. I'll continue to trust in the path that I'm on and hope that as my path crosses others, we can all learn from each other and come away thinking, "I never thought of it that way."
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
It Takes a Village
In 1996, Hilary Clinton published the NY Times Bestselling book, "It Takes a Village: And Other Lessons Children Teach Us." The premise of the book was the impact individuals and groups outside the family have, for better or worse, on a child's well-being, and advocates a society which meets all of a child's needs. As I see my own children grow and watch their personalities emerge, I recognize the village of extended family Donna and I are reliant upon to help us raise strong, well-adjusted children. Because Donna and I don't have immediate family nearby, that village has been especially important to our family.
We are blessed with strong men and women who can provide the type of nurturing we can't. Hunter and Skye both crave male attention and we have two great neighborhood Dads that are close to them. For one of the Dads, who has two beautiful girls with his wife, Hunter provides that surrogate son experience. His name is Mike and he has a passion for fishing, which Hunter loves, too. Despite my best efforts and even having procured a fishing license of my own, I just don't have the knowledge and skill that Mike does. I also don't have that male perspective and understanding that Hunter needs at times. Mike is a wonderful blessing to our family, because he takes the time out of a busy family schedule of his own to spend with Hunter. We also have Frank, a police officer in town, whose daughter is in the same class with Hunter. He's as passionate about fishing as Mike. And, he's always there with a hug and an ear for Hunter. I firmly believe that Hunter is fishing for more than the "catch of the day" when he's in the company of these great men. He's also collecting great tips on how to be a strong young man. I know he'll be a great Dad if he's blessed with children of his own someday, in large part because of Mike's and Frank's influence.
Mike's wife Cyndi, is an actress who brings the glamour into Skye's world. Skye is all about wardrobe and accessories. I often joke that God has a great sense of humor and demonstrated it when he blessed Donna and I with a little girl who is all about pastels, clothes, shoes and handbags. Thank goodness Cyndi has the skills and passion for those things. Cyndi and Mike have two older girls, one of whom is Hunter's class. I love that I can bounce things off her and that Skye is the lucky recipient not only of her girl's hand-me-downs, but also of their love and friendship.
Another important person in Skye's life is her Godfather, whom she calls her Poppa. Her Poppa also happens to be her uncle, Donna's brother. One day Skye told me that she really wanted to have a Dad. I had to stop my own defensiveness when she told me that and open myself up to hear that she wanted a strong man in her life. She sees her friends at pre-school who have Dads and she felt like she was missing out. So, Uncle Terry stepped up to the challenge and has helped fill that need.
I don't know of any family that doesn't have some reliance on their community as they raise their children. And it's heartening to know that Donna and I positively contribute to our community and to our friends as they raise their families and the topic of homosexuality comes up. This year I was interviewed by a sixth-grader for a middle-school project on Gay Marriage. That child's project was entered into a state-wide contest, and will be voted on at Rutgers University in May. I'm very proud that our family has become a living example of an often controversial topic and that the argument for Gay Marriage is strengthened because of how they see us living our lives.
We are blessed with strong men and women who can provide the type of nurturing we can't. Hunter and Skye both crave male attention and we have two great neighborhood Dads that are close to them. For one of the Dads, who has two beautiful girls with his wife, Hunter provides that surrogate son experience. His name is Mike and he has a passion for fishing, which Hunter loves, too. Despite my best efforts and even having procured a fishing license of my own, I just don't have the knowledge and skill that Mike does. I also don't have that male perspective and understanding that Hunter needs at times. Mike is a wonderful blessing to our family, because he takes the time out of a busy family schedule of his own to spend with Hunter. We also have Frank, a police officer in town, whose daughter is in the same class with Hunter. He's as passionate about fishing as Mike. And, he's always there with a hug and an ear for Hunter. I firmly believe that Hunter is fishing for more than the "catch of the day" when he's in the company of these great men. He's also collecting great tips on how to be a strong young man. I know he'll be a great Dad if he's blessed with children of his own someday, in large part because of Mike's and Frank's influence.
Mike's wife Cyndi, is an actress who brings the glamour into Skye's world. Skye is all about wardrobe and accessories. I often joke that God has a great sense of humor and demonstrated it when he blessed Donna and I with a little girl who is all about pastels, clothes, shoes and handbags. Thank goodness Cyndi has the skills and passion for those things. Cyndi and Mike have two older girls, one of whom is Hunter's class. I love that I can bounce things off her and that Skye is the lucky recipient not only of her girl's hand-me-downs, but also of their love and friendship.
Another important person in Skye's life is her Godfather, whom she calls her Poppa. Her Poppa also happens to be her uncle, Donna's brother. One day Skye told me that she really wanted to have a Dad. I had to stop my own defensiveness when she told me that and open myself up to hear that she wanted a strong man in her life. She sees her friends at pre-school who have Dads and she felt like she was missing out. So, Uncle Terry stepped up to the challenge and has helped fill that need.
I don't know of any family that doesn't have some reliance on their community as they raise their children. And it's heartening to know that Donna and I positively contribute to our community and to our friends as they raise their families and the topic of homosexuality comes up. This year I was interviewed by a sixth-grader for a middle-school project on Gay Marriage. That child's project was entered into a state-wide contest, and will be voted on at Rutgers University in May. I'm very proud that our family has become a living example of an often controversial topic and that the argument for Gay Marriage is strengthened because of how they see us living our lives.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Fatherhood
I got a lead about my half sister last week and it also came with an opportunity to connect with my birth father. The entire situation has my head spinning, because it makes me think about how I define the word "father."
My Dad adopted me when I was six years old, shortly after he married my mother. He's known me all my life, because he and my mother are from the same hometown. Mama knew when she was ten years old and saw him for the first time on the school bus that she would marry him someday. It's a very sweet, romantic story. She was right, but life took a few interesting turns before that would happen.
When she was in high school, she was encouraged to befriend a "new kid" who would ultimately become her first husband because she became pregnant at 17. In 1970 in Maine, that condition prompted an instant marriage. I was born in May 1971, and my mother's first marriage lasted until I was about two years old. They separated when my mother was pregnant with my brother Tony. In retrospect, it was inevitable. After all, they were kids, and the marriage should never have happened. My birth father decided to enlist in the Air Force, and agreed to give up his parental rights so my Dad could adopt my brother and me. I'm very grateful to him for that decision.
Daddy worked very hard to provide for us. I can't imagine how he must have felt when he decided to marry Mama. He had always been a party animal and suddenly, he was committing not only to my mother, but to her two children as well. I find he was very courageous to marry my mother. He had to stand strong in the face of his family's disapproval. Marrying my mother, who was divorced with two kids, did not make his parents very happy. They were devout Mormons and his choice did not mirror their values. He's always been his own person, but inside of all of us is a kid that only wants our parent's approval, so I have to imagine it was hard for him. Thinking about his challenges, they remind me of the same kind of challenges I've faced as an openly gay woman.
Daddy's strength of character and his love for us has helped me establish my own value system and heavily influenced how I define family. He and Mama went on to have two more children and I was blessed to grow up with three crazy younger brothers and two parents who always put us first. We didn't have a lot of material things, but we had each other and I carry a lot of fun memories with me from my childhood.
As I parent my own children, I think about how Daddy loved me without reservation. He wasn't a huggy-feely type of guy, but I never doubted how much he loved us. Today, both of us have to stop and remember that we don't share any biology. When I fill out medical history I have to make a conscious effort to shift my thinking to my birth father's side of family rather than Daddy's. There's a lot to be said for the nature versus nurture argument. In my case, Daddy's nurturing created an indelible imprint in my heart and shaped my character.
Today, I see how my son Hunter is so much like me, despite not sharing any of my biology. I love him unconditionally and he gave me such joy that I decided to carry his sister to expand our family. And Donna loves Skye as though she gave birth to her. My two girls are so much alike that it's scary! So, I believe that family is more defined by the love that is shared rather than the blood running through our veins.
Thank you Daddy, for starting a legacy of love that has created a wonderfully diverse Graffam family. I love you.
My Dad adopted me when I was six years old, shortly after he married my mother. He's known me all my life, because he and my mother are from the same hometown. Mama knew when she was ten years old and saw him for the first time on the school bus that she would marry him someday. It's a very sweet, romantic story. She was right, but life took a few interesting turns before that would happen.
When she was in high school, she was encouraged to befriend a "new kid" who would ultimately become her first husband because she became pregnant at 17. In 1970 in Maine, that condition prompted an instant marriage. I was born in May 1971, and my mother's first marriage lasted until I was about two years old. They separated when my mother was pregnant with my brother Tony. In retrospect, it was inevitable. After all, they were kids, and the marriage should never have happened. My birth father decided to enlist in the Air Force, and agreed to give up his parental rights so my Dad could adopt my brother and me. I'm very grateful to him for that decision.
Daddy worked very hard to provide for us. I can't imagine how he must have felt when he decided to marry Mama. He had always been a party animal and suddenly, he was committing not only to my mother, but to her two children as well. I find he was very courageous to marry my mother. He had to stand strong in the face of his family's disapproval. Marrying my mother, who was divorced with two kids, did not make his parents very happy. They were devout Mormons and his choice did not mirror their values. He's always been his own person, but inside of all of us is a kid that only wants our parent's approval, so I have to imagine it was hard for him. Thinking about his challenges, they remind me of the same kind of challenges I've faced as an openly gay woman.
Daddy's strength of character and his love for us has helped me establish my own value system and heavily influenced how I define family. He and Mama went on to have two more children and I was blessed to grow up with three crazy younger brothers and two parents who always put us first. We didn't have a lot of material things, but we had each other and I carry a lot of fun memories with me from my childhood.
As I parent my own children, I think about how Daddy loved me without reservation. He wasn't a huggy-feely type of guy, but I never doubted how much he loved us. Today, both of us have to stop and remember that we don't share any biology. When I fill out medical history I have to make a conscious effort to shift my thinking to my birth father's side of family rather than Daddy's. There's a lot to be said for the nature versus nurture argument. In my case, Daddy's nurturing created an indelible imprint in my heart and shaped my character.
Today, I see how my son Hunter is so much like me, despite not sharing any of my biology. I love him unconditionally and he gave me such joy that I decided to carry his sister to expand our family. And Donna loves Skye as though she gave birth to her. My two girls are so much alike that it's scary! So, I believe that family is more defined by the love that is shared rather than the blood running through our veins.
Thank you Daddy, for starting a legacy of love that has created a wonderfully diverse Graffam family. I love you.
Friday, March 4, 2011
"Leprechaun Day"
Last week, I found myself in the midst of a ridiculous debate with my four-year old daughter over whether or not there was a Leprechaun Day in March. I think that she's seen pictures of Leprechauns and assumed that the holiday was in honor of those mystical creatures. I was not pleased that she was confusing a holiday in honor of a Saint with an Irish legend.
Today, St. Patrick's Day has become an excuse to drink green beer and gorge ourselves on corned beef dinners. If you really take the time to learn about Saint Patrick, you'll discover that he was the patron saint and national apostle of Ireland who is credited with bringing Christianity to Ireland. He used the shamrock as a symbolic way to explain the Holy Trinity to pagans. I'm positive a Leprechaun was not in Saint Patrick's vision.
Earlier in the year, we were inundated with commercial efforts to tug on our collective heartstrings and buy our loved one's candy or better yet, expensive jewelry to express our love on Valentine's Day. The history of Valentine's Day — and its patron saint — is shrouded in mystery. But we do know that February has long been a month of romance. St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred. According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first "valentine" greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl — who may have been his jailer's daughter — who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed "From your Valentine."
If we fast forward to present time, I believe our fear of offending different ethnic or religious groups has resulted in losing any true meaning of the holidays on our calendar. We've gone beyond an ecumenical approach to the season and it's become completely generic. For example, my wife hates it when people wish her "Happy Holidays" during the Christmas season. She will respond with "Merry Christmas." She refuses to let political correctness diminish her sacred belief in Christmas.
Our desire to be inclusive has resulted in either grouping holidays on our calendar or worse yet, commercializing them. Whether it's celebrating President's Day instead of specifically recognizing two of our great Presidents, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln; grouping Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa and New Year's into a generic time of year; or getting so caught up in the commercialism of holiday gift-giving, that we skip over Thanksgiving entirely, we are moving away from enjoying the true meaning of each holiday on our calendar.
I wonder what drives our compulsion to water down the importance of our holidays. Is it commercial greed or fear of litigation that if our zeal for celebrating a specific holiday offends the wrong person, we may find ourselves the defendant in a class action suit? I guess at the end of the end of the day, it's up to Donna and I to make sure we teach our children the true meaning of holidays on our calendar. I just can't wait until I can find a greeting card in a mainstream shop that allows me to express the love I have for my wife or perhaps even a Mother's Day card that can be given to both of us from our children.
A woman can dream, can't she?
Today, St. Patrick's Day has become an excuse to drink green beer and gorge ourselves on corned beef dinners. If you really take the time to learn about Saint Patrick, you'll discover that he was the patron saint and national apostle of Ireland who is credited with bringing Christianity to Ireland. He used the shamrock as a symbolic way to explain the Holy Trinity to pagans. I'm positive a Leprechaun was not in Saint Patrick's vision.
Earlier in the year, we were inundated with commercial efforts to tug on our collective heartstrings and buy our loved one's candy or better yet, expensive jewelry to express our love on Valentine's Day. The history of Valentine's Day — and its patron saint — is shrouded in mystery. But we do know that February has long been a month of romance. St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred. According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first "valentine" greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl — who may have been his jailer's daughter — who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed "From your Valentine."
If we fast forward to present time, I believe our fear of offending different ethnic or religious groups has resulted in losing any true meaning of the holidays on our calendar. We've gone beyond an ecumenical approach to the season and it's become completely generic. For example, my wife hates it when people wish her "Happy Holidays" during the Christmas season. She will respond with "Merry Christmas." She refuses to let political correctness diminish her sacred belief in Christmas.
Our desire to be inclusive has resulted in either grouping holidays on our calendar or worse yet, commercializing them. Whether it's celebrating President's Day instead of specifically recognizing two of our great Presidents, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln; grouping Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa and New Year's into a generic time of year; or getting so caught up in the commercialism of holiday gift-giving, that we skip over Thanksgiving entirely, we are moving away from enjoying the true meaning of each holiday on our calendar.
I wonder what drives our compulsion to water down the importance of our holidays. Is it commercial greed or fear of litigation that if our zeal for celebrating a specific holiday offends the wrong person, we may find ourselves the defendant in a class action suit? I guess at the end of the end of the day, it's up to Donna and I to make sure we teach our children the true meaning of holidays on our calendar. I just can't wait until I can find a greeting card in a mainstream shop that allows me to express the love I have for my wife or perhaps even a Mother's Day card that can be given to both of us from our children.
A woman can dream, can't she?
Thursday, March 3, 2011
"We can take a plane to Heaven."
Last month, my little girl Skye was listening to Michael Jackson's music. She adores Michael Jackson and likes to dance like him. She was sharing with me that she'd love to dance with him someday, and I explained that he's in Heaven, so she'd have to wait until she was in Heaven too before she could dance with him.
Not known for her patience, she quickly replied, "We can take a plane to Heaven." I smiled and told her that I wished we could. There are so many loved ones I would love to spend time with and I also am not patient enough to wait to join them in Heaven.
My sweet grandfather passed away only four months before Skye was born. I remember calling him to tell him that I was pregnant and his initial reaction was to tell me that I was crazy! He couldn't imagine that I would want to have another child when we were so happy with Hunter and I was also a busy career woman. What made it more unimaginable in his mind was that I was expecting twins. I laughed and told him I must have gotten my crazy gene from him. I assured him I'd be fine and made him promise that he'd stick around long enough to meet them.
Grampie had a fall at home several weeks after our conversation and died in April. He died shortly after I had miscarried one of the twins. So, I took comfort in knowing that our little angel, whom I named Matthew, would be met by one of the strongest and most loving men I knew. Grampie never knew that I had miscarried, so my parents and I lovingly hoped that he'd be pleasantly surprised to be met by a great-grandchild. Four months later, we welcomed Skye into the world and she's been taking the world by storm ever since.
I believe that children have so much innate wisdom. I loved that Skye's creativity hasn't been dampened by the skepticism life experience often brings. She refused to think that simply because Michael Jackson was in Heaven, it would defer one of her dreams. She's ready to board a plane to Heaven. I think that many of us can learn from her invincible spirit. Metaphorically, we can board a plane and spend some time with loved ones who have passed.
It may sound off the wall to some (pun intended, for those who know Michael), but I know the connections and relationships we build here on earth don't end because of a physical death. I'm still convinced that Grampie and my grandmother check in on us from time to time. When those seemingly random memories flood my mind, or I see my grandmother's favorite bird, the Cardinal, I know they are here watching me raise my beautiful children with my wonderful wife. And my wife's grandmother visits quite often, too. It's nice to know that we're being watched over by such strong and loving souls.
So, Michael, you just may see a cute vivacious blond visit with you very soon. Please make sure you introduce her to her great grandparents and her brother. Although, I'm pretty sure she's already met them.
Not known for her patience, she quickly replied, "We can take a plane to Heaven." I smiled and told her that I wished we could. There are so many loved ones I would love to spend time with and I also am not patient enough to wait to join them in Heaven.
My sweet grandfather passed away only four months before Skye was born. I remember calling him to tell him that I was pregnant and his initial reaction was to tell me that I was crazy! He couldn't imagine that I would want to have another child when we were so happy with Hunter and I was also a busy career woman. What made it more unimaginable in his mind was that I was expecting twins. I laughed and told him I must have gotten my crazy gene from him. I assured him I'd be fine and made him promise that he'd stick around long enough to meet them.
Grampie had a fall at home several weeks after our conversation and died in April. He died shortly after I had miscarried one of the twins. So, I took comfort in knowing that our little angel, whom I named Matthew, would be met by one of the strongest and most loving men I knew. Grampie never knew that I had miscarried, so my parents and I lovingly hoped that he'd be pleasantly surprised to be met by a great-grandchild. Four months later, we welcomed Skye into the world and she's been taking the world by storm ever since.
I believe that children have so much innate wisdom. I loved that Skye's creativity hasn't been dampened by the skepticism life experience often brings. She refused to think that simply because Michael Jackson was in Heaven, it would defer one of her dreams. She's ready to board a plane to Heaven. I think that many of us can learn from her invincible spirit. Metaphorically, we can board a plane and spend some time with loved ones who have passed.
It may sound off the wall to some (pun intended, for those who know Michael), but I know the connections and relationships we build here on earth don't end because of a physical death. I'm still convinced that Grampie and my grandmother check in on us from time to time. When those seemingly random memories flood my mind, or I see my grandmother's favorite bird, the Cardinal, I know they are here watching me raise my beautiful children with my wonderful wife. And my wife's grandmother visits quite often, too. It's nice to know that we're being watched over by such strong and loving souls.
So, Michael, you just may see a cute vivacious blond visit with you very soon. Please make sure you introduce her to her great grandparents and her brother. Although, I'm pretty sure she's already met them.
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