Wednesday, August 1, 2012

"If you pray, how can you worry?"

I remember watching Oprah Winfrey interview 50 Cent recently and he told her about his feelings on faith. He said that after he had been shot more than six times and survived, he learned that if you pray, you can't worry. He remarked, "If you pray and you still worry, how's God going to feel about that?"

That quote resonates with me. And it really hits home today. I learned that after an eight month investigation, my childhood hero, the Rev. Robert T. Carlson, appears to have had several inappropriate relationships with children. I'm crushed. I feel duped, and I feel vulnerable. I defended this man throughout the scandal because I thought this man represented all that was good in this world, and now I realize that he was as fallible as the rest of us, and led a double-life. What he's accused of is so counter to his public image. How do we now pick up the pieces and make peace?

Investigators Close Case on Carlson

How can we guard ourselves and our children against the villains when they hide in plain sight? And how in the world do I trust my own judgement? Granted, my perceptions were formed as a child. I was nine years old when I met Bob Carlson and thought he was larger than life. I used to dream of one day becoming a pastor and a community leader myself, because of his inspiration. I will hold onto that inspiration and hope that I can bring dignity to the role if it manifests itself in my future.

However, there is a secret brotherhood out there that undermines the very spirit of justice they are put in place to uphold. I'm not sure how we can stop that fraternal order from covering up horrible crimes against us, especially when the crimes are committed against the most vulnerable amongst us.

I have more questions than answers now. My mind goes to Bob's wife and the East Orrington Congregational Church community and to the victims that have come forward. I pray that I find the faith to hang onto my beliefs about the goodness in the world and that it will continue to win over the bad. But I have to say, as a mother and an advocate for victims of bullying, despite all my praying, it's hard not to worry.