"If you wait until I'm 18, I'll marry you."

Hunter is a very precocious young man in many ways. He's got an emotional intelligence that is off the charts. He's perceptive to the point of being psychic and he's got incredible good looks and charm. Add to that his smarts, and he's unstoppable. He already has young women lining up to capture his attention. Can't tell I'm biased at all, can you?

I share all of that to help anyone reading this understand how protective both Donna and I are over his heart. He wears it on his sleeve and can be brought to devastation to think that anyone would take advantage of his kindness. He's also very courageous, because he proudly shares that he has two moms. He's as comfortable telling his classmates and teachers that we're gay as he is telling them we have brown hair. And because he's so matter of fact about it, it's not an issue used against him or us. I've been watching him lately and can't help but be fascinated by the direction his heart is leading him.

The quickest way to Hunter's heart is to demonstrate a serenity and calm that he can retreat to in the midst of the chaos he sometimes feels around him. Two of the girls in his school circle are already very adept at staying calm, cool, and collected. Those are the two girls he confesses to me he can't choose between when he thinks about picking a girlfriend. When I ask him to explain what he likes about the girls in question, the first attribute he mentions is that "they're very calm." I'm indescribably proud of his self-awareness and his ability to understand character trumps physical beauty. Of course, he's still very much drawn to beauty, as the girls he chooses illustrate.

So, imagine my reaction when his homeroom teacher, Ms. Karabin, told me he had proposed marriage to her last week. Ms. Karabin has always held a special place in his heart. When he was in second grade, he would get to participate in Ms. Karabin's 5th Grade science class as a reward. So, she has been in his world for half of his school career. Ms. Karabin said his proposal went like this:

"Ms. Karabin, are you married?"

"No, Hunter, but I'd like to be someday."

Hunter thought a moment and then said, "Well, if you wait until I'm 18, I'll marry you."

How sweet is that? Ms. Karabin is one of the most gifted teachers I've met. In addition to being very accomplished academically, she's also student-centric in her thinking. I love how she keeps the needs of each of her students foremost in her approach to their learning. I also like the firm but fair approach she uses in her teaching style. Hunter has always shared how he loves how calm she is. And recently, when I asked him about his proposal, he repeated all of what I just shared and then added, "and she's hot."

Clearly, my son has great taste. It gives Donna and me tremendous comfort to know that he's drawn to women who have equal if not more character as they do outward beauty. I pray that his priorities remain this way so that as our family grows, it will do so not only in numbers, but also in character. Although I hope not to be planning a wedding in eight years, I do know that when we are planning his, it will be done with great joy.

"Have I ever said anything bad about gay people?"

My faith is being tested.

On Sunday morning, the Reverend Robert T. Carlson, my childhood hero and pastor of my church was found dead in the Penobscot River. Mr. C., as I knew him, was the pastor of East Orrington Congregational Church for 25 years. He started when I nine years old, shortly after my family moved to Orrington. He was bigger than life.

He was a leader in the Greater Bangor area. He was the chaplain of the Bangor and Brewer police and fire departments, he was a hostage negotiator, and president of Penobscot Community Healthcare, an organization that served those who could not afford medical care. He and his wife of 43 years had just been honored by the Katahdin Area Council of Boy Scouts of America on November 9th when it held its 15th annual Distinguished Citizen Award Dinner. He had also counseled people from committing suicide. Ironically, that's how it appears he died, at his own hands. It's baffling and for those who knew him, completely out of character for someone who lived his faith and literally practiced what he preached.

I remember coming out to Pastor Bob the summer after my freshman year of college. I was in tears, petrified to disappoint him. This man inspired me to want to become a pastor someday and I didn't think that was possible because I thought being gay would negate my ability to minister to people. He put his arms around me and asked, "Stacy, have you ever heard me say anything bad about gay people?" It suddenly dawned on me that he hadn't. Never had I heard him use his pulpit to promote bigotry or prejudice. What I remember is unconditional love and support. That's the Bob Carlson I knew. And it's the Bob Carlson that thousands of other people knew as well.

I'm very angry and devastated at the scandal that has erupted since his death. Apparently, he was under investigation by the Maine State Police before he was found dead in the Penobscot River on Sunday. He was being investigated for a child sex abuse case that had happened in the 1970s. I have a hard time even writing those words, since I don't believe he did it. Call me naive, but I believe the accusations are being made out of spite by someone close to him who struggled with addiction. If it's the person I have in mind, I know that Bob considered him a son. To be betrayed in that way by someone he loved so much is the only thing I can imagine would cause him to take his own life.

Now, as I cling to my faith and pray for closure on this issue, I remember the profession of faith East Orrington Congregational Church held so dear: Time, Trust and Thankfulness. The three T's.  I will cherish all three and the countless lessons he shared with the greater Bangor area.

I love you Mr. C. God bless you and keep you safe in His arms.

You need to provide an affidavit.

As I was reviewing the changes in benefits during our annual enrollment period, I noticed that Donna suddenly appeared as an ineligible dependent. Given that she's been listed as a dependent since I joined IBM in 2002, I placed a call to our Employee Service Center (ESC) to find out why her status had changed. I explained that Donna had been an eligible dependent for years and was curious why she was listed as ineligible.

The specialist explained that I needed to send in an affidavit of Domestic Partnership. That direction didn't sound right, and I asked why they would need that since we were in a civil union now and were as married as we could be in the State of New Jersey. I also explained that we had already provided one in 2002. She explained that according to her protocol, a domestic partnership affidavit was required for all same sex couples and they didn't have anything on file.

So, although I was fuming at the inequity of the situation, on November 8th I printed out the affidavit, Donna and I signed it, and had it notarized (again, given we had done it in 2002). To hedge our bets, I included a copy of our Civil Union certificate (our Civil Union was done in December of 2008), so that I could make sure we covered all of our bases.

Personally, I felt like I needed to pull a Norma Rae-style protest and ask if IBM required all of their married employees to submit their marriage licenses. The informal poll I took amongst my married friends indicated they did not.

I checked our benefits website again today, and still saw her listed as ineligible. I took a deep breath and called the ESC again.  The gentleman I spoke to was great. He looked into my records,saw that Donna had been covered for years and also looked deeper into the affidavit and saw that if we lived in a state that allowed same sex marriage or its equivalent (i.e. Civil Union), we did not need the affidavit. He further explained that it was not IBM policy to provide the affidavit, but that it was required for tax purposes by the  IRS. It was also required of opposite sex couples who had a registered domestic partnership. I was able to exhale when I heard that.

I've been so proud to be an IBMer since being acquired through the PwC Consulting buyout. I love their diversity history of doing the right thing before it was ever legislated. We have a rich heritage of being inclusive and progressive in our benefits and definition of family. So, those weeks between my calls to the ESC shook my faith in IBM's integrity. I'm glad it was restored today.

I wish my faith in our country could be so quickly restored. I am flabbergasted that not only are we continuing to debate the legitimacy of same sex marriage, but we are actually trying to legislate inequity by not allowing it in some states. As I look at my wife and our two children and think about the way we have lived "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part" for more than 11 years, it baffles me that we are not afforded the same rights and privileges of marriage that our heterosexual peers enjoy.

If any lawmakers are reading this, I'd like them to consider having to sign an affidavit to legitimize their family. I bet anyone would be offended at the implication that their relationship isn't real until some stranger notarizes it.

Donna and I will have a blow out party when we can be legally MARRIED without having to leave the state in which we have built our family and put down roots. Our love is not a choice. . . it's what God intended. I can't wait for the United States of America to acknowledge that.

I must have invented stupid.

This morning, I was making breakfast for Skye when she was showing me different drawings she was creating on a scratch pad that Donna had brought from the zoo. It had a bunny on the frame and she was "sending things to the bunny." She asked me to look at each of her creations, and whether I asked her what the drawings were or guessed wrong, she looked incredulous that I was unable to see what she had drawn. She would say "No, mama! That's a mail box!" when I had wondered out loud if it was a house.

She had me believing that I must have invented stupid. The exasperation with which she kept correcting me made the game mercifully short, but it got me wondering about my temperamental artist. Is patience learned or innate? I know I find myself at my wit's end when I have to answer the same question several times or pick up the same toys from the same spot or correct the same behavior over and over again. So, perhaps the question should be, "Is impatience learned or innate?" If I look at myself closely, I think it must be learned.

It's no wonder children shut down and stop trying, if the way Skye's reactions to what she perceived as my utter stupidity are simply a reflection of my parenting style.

I told Donna recently that I've felt incredibly fragmented trying to balance work with the kids' needs and my volunteering at the school and my desire to keep writing and finding ways to make ends meet in Northern NJ. At the end of the day, I don't even know how to spell my name. I think my plate is so full that it propels me into a manic space where I don't have the patience to stop for one minute to answer Skye's questions and foster her natural curiosity, not to mention our relationship. It's not only affecting my relationship with the children. It's also affecting my relationship with my wife.

My best friend reminded me that I need to stop and open my eyes up to the simple joys of life, rather than surrender to the crushing stress that so many of us live with. So, I'll remember to look people in the eye and thank them when they open a door for me. I'll also remember to find ways of being kind to everyone I meet, maybe even being kinder than necessary, because their private battles may be more profound than I could imagine.

So, rather than feel like I invented stupid, I'm going to take a wake up call from my wife and children and find a way to invent serenity. And, I don't even think it's a matter of clearing my plate, because the things on it are truly blessings. I think it's as simple as realizing that my plate overflows with blessings and to honor and respect them as such.

It's funny, as I finish this piece, I feel better already.