Friday, February 25, 2011

"You don't hear that much in the Graffam family."

Earlier this week, Donna and I were helping Hunter with a homework project for Spanish class. His assignment was to create a family album by using pictures of celebrities to show familial relationships. As we flipped through a magazine, we saw a picture of Anderson Cooper.

"Anderson Cooper is hot!" Donna told Hunter.

I added, "And he's smart too, which makes him even hotter!"

Hunter's response was "Huh. You don't hear that a lot in the Graffam family. So, he MUST be hot!"

After we stopped laughing, I realized how my son's quick wit is one part genetic (he's Donna's clone in that regard) and one part coping mechanism. He has used humor, like many of us do, to test the underlying values and beliefs that make up our society. In this case, many people would think it's absurd that two lesbians would be swooning over Anderson Cooper. Hunter's comment was rooted in that perceived absurdity.

Some people probably think that Donna and I were absurd to think we could be good parents. People like that are usually hung up on the traditional definition of family. Meaning, it takes a mother a father. How could two women possibly think they could raise a child? As we were helping him do his assignment, it was clear that two same-sex parents were not part of the thinking. The angel on one shoulder tells me that it's because the intent was to learn the Spanish words for mother, father, aunt, uncle, sister, brother, cousin. The devil on my other shoulder whispers that perhaps it's also intended to subconsciously reinforce the definition of family doesn't reflect what our family looks like.

My skepticism is further fueled as I fill out paperwork for Skye's kindergarten registration. I had to cross out "father" on several forms to show that Skye's family includes two parents, but those parents are both moms. So, I've made a mental note to raise that observation during the next Partners in Education meeting at the school and suggest making the forms more inclusive. I'm blessed to sit on the committees that allow me to have a voice, so I know I'll be heard. What I don't know is what the reaction will be. I'm hoping it will continue to be open and collaborative, as it has been to date.

Last summer, Time magazine reported that children raised by lesbian parents may do better than their peers. The data that Gartrell and Bos analyzed came from the U.S. National Longitudinal Lesbian Family Study (NLLFS), begun in 1986. The authors included 154 women in 84 families who underwent artificial insemination to start a family; the parents agreed to answer questions about their children's social skills, academic performance and behavior at five follow-up times over the 17-year study period. Children in the families were interviewed by researchers at age 10 and were then asked at age 17 to complete an online questionnaire, which included queries about the teens' activities, social lives, feelings of anxiety or depression, and behavior.

Not surprisingly, the researchers found that 41% of children reported having endured some teasing, ostracism or discrimination related to their being raised by same-sex parents. But Gartrell and Bos could find no differences on psychological adjustment tests between the children and those in a group of matched controls. At age 10, children reporting discrimination did exhibit more signs of psychological stress than their peers, but by age 17, the feelings had dissipated. "Obviously there are some factors that may include family support and changes in education about appreciation for diversity that may be helping young people to come to a better place despite these experiences," says Gartrell.

I suspect some of the differences that happen in families with same sex parents is a more proactive approach in explaining complicated topics such as sexuality and diversity and tolerance,which leads to a stronger foundation on which those children are better able to manage issues like teasing and prejudice as they grow up. So, maybe Donna and I were on to something, without even realizing it. Rather than call it absurdity, I like to borrow President Obama's phrase and say that it's more an "audacity of hope" that drove us to create our family.

That audacity has certainly served us well and we continue to enjoy our blessings every day.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

"Are you crazy?!!!! Those are MY moms!"

Donna and I were waiting patiently for our parent-teacher conference at Skye's pre-school and were able to observe her interacting with her friends during snack time. One of her little friends, AJ, was teasing her by copying everything she said. So, when she saw us come in, she said, "My moms are here!" AJ responded, "My moms are here!" He turned around and saw us, grinned a mischievous smile and repeated, "Yes, MY moms are here."

Skye looked at him with dismay and said, "Are you CRAZY?!!! Those are MY moms!!!" Both of them broke into giggles and continued eating their snacks.

Donna and I had to step out her line of vision so as not to allow her to see the laughter we were breaking into ourselves. It was so sweet to hear her fighting over us. It was also heart-warming to see that her little friend thought nothing of the fact that she had two moms, and had no qualms pretending he did too.

I think this anecdote shows such promise for what our future holds. Perhaps one day within our lifetimes, people really will be judged on the content of their character rather than the color of their skin or the gender of the person with whom they fall in love. I would love to live in a world like Dr. King envisioned. That's why I love the community in which Donna and I are raising our family. Generally speaking, it feels like we're already living Dr. King's dream.

We're at the very least living in a time where healthy debate and dialogue are creating "A-ha" moments for individuals that allow us to build bridges of understanding that diversity is a gift and not something to fear or something we need to give lip service to simply because of Equal Opportunity legislation.

I really think that if we can continue to foster moments like the one we witnessed on Parent-Teacher conference day, we'll be raising a strong generation of leaders who have better vision than we could imagine.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

"We'll be on the other side of the bridge"

Thursday morning, Donna stayed home to help me get the children out the door and take me to an appointment in Flushing, NY, to meet the staff of Gay Parent Magazine. I was so excited! I couldn't wait to meet the team that has given me a voice beyond my blog and helped me achieve a life-long dream of being a published writer. So, I started to get annoyed with how out of character Donna was behaving.

I started to feel like she was peeing on my cornflakes (I recently heard a woman on Oprah use that expression and I've started shamelessly using it as my own). When I pressed her about why she was acting so strangely, she finally said, "I feel odd because we'll both be on the other side of the bridge." It suddenly made sense. We rarely do anything that will take us that far from the children because of the fear that still plagues our lives post 9-11.

Hunter was born on September 10th, 2001, and I was at home with my mother-in-law on September 11th, getting ready to go back to the hospital to continue falling in love with my little boy when the phone rang. My mother was on the other end, so frantic that she asked me where I was. I laughed and said, "Mama, you called me at home." She took a deep breath and said, "Haven't you seen the TV?" When I turned it on and video of the Twin Towers smoldering from the impact of the two planes that were used to kill thousands of American lives, I was devastated.

I was toying with going to work that day, but all thoughts of work left me once I was able to finally hold my little boy's hand the previous day. Then, I worked in the Flatiron District, which was only a mile or so away from Ground Zero. I tell Hunter whenever the topic comes up that he was my guardian angel and kept me out of Manhattan on that terrible day. That day, as soon as we knew it was an act of terrorism and not a freak accident, the tunnels and bridges connecting Manhattan to the rest of the boroughs and New Jersey were closed down. I still remember friends who lived in Brooklyn talk about the mass exodus of people walking across the Brooklyn Bridge.

I remember how frantic Skye's Godmother was that day because her son attended school in Manhattan. She had dropped him off earlier that morning and drove back to New Jersey minutes before the attacks. At the time, we rented from her, so we saw first-hand how frustrating it was to be separated from her son. She was blessed to have her sister living in Manhattan, so she went to bring her son home to say with her.

And my wife Donna, who finally realized her dream of becoming a mother, had her joy clouded with fear about the world we had just brought our son into. She was in the hospital bonding with Zach while news reports of 9-11 and images of the Towers were all around her. Those memories are never far from Donna's mind, so when we go to Manhattan, she calls Hunter's Godmother, who works here in New Jersey to let her know where we are, "just in case."

So, again, nearly ten years later, I found myself struggling with my resentment of the terror that struck this area on a day when I should have been basking in another moment of joy as a writer. 9-11  continues to cast as a shadow over precious, significant moments that should be enjoyed fully. Shortly after the attacks, I had decided that I would not let the terrorists change the way in which I lived my life; but realistically, all of us living in this area have changed. To honor the thousands that perished that day, I promise that part of my personal change will be to always remember the sacrifices they made so that I embrace and cherish the blessings I continue to enjoy even more fully.

"When we love each other like this, hearts pop out of our brains."

I love how I wake up each morning. I don't need an alarm clock, because no later than 7:15 AM, my little girl will crawl into bed and wake me up with hugs and her question or commentary of the day. I am intrigued with how her 4-year old brain works. Earlier this week, after many hugs and kisses, Skye pressed her little face next to mine and said, "I think when we love each other like this, hearts pop out of our brains."

What a vivid imagination! She's recently taken an interest in comic books (Garfield and Calvin and Hobbes are her favorites), so I'm sure she was imagining a cloud over our heads with lots of Valentine hearts filling it up. I'm happy to know that she's happy and expressing her feelings in the sweetest, most profound ways. When you think about it, it takes time to recognize emotions like happiness and it's difficult to articulate them, which is why I loved her imagery. I also loved that she had the hearts popping out of our brains.

It reinforced my belief that the head and the heart are very much dependent on each other to keep balanced. Given the focus this month on Valentine's Day, she has been inundated at preschool with images and conversations about love. But, she's also been challenged academically (within the confines of a preschool curriculum) to feed her brain, learning how to read and write and absorbing lessons in science and social studies. I'm very proud to see her heart and mind getting nurtured so she can start to draw inferences and opinions of her own, such as the belief that hearts pop out of our brains when we love each other.

Lately, Skye's observations and questions serve as my morning devotional. I don't have the time or space to sit quietly each day before my family starts waking and demanding my attention. So, comments like hers help me stay balanced and spark my innate introspection, which is what fuels this blog. Her observations and the conversations we have help me to gauge how well we're doing with her in the parenting department. Despite the inevitable clashes we have with her when we are disciplining her 4-year old willfulness, she is most often a happy, content, active four-year old hungry for our time and affection.

Right now, her big brother Hunter is reading her a story to help her settle down for a nap, while I take care of our laundry. And tomorrow is Sunday, so Nickie and I will attend church together while Donna takes Hunter to swim lessons. We'll come back together at lunch time to eat and plan our grocery shopping at Whole Foods and start preparing for another busy week.  And while we do all of that, I'm sure if people look closely enough, they'll see the hearts popping our of our brains as we move through the world together.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

"Have you had them from the beginning?"

Sometimes, Donna and I forget that our family is different from most. For those in our circle, we're just like any other hard-working, middle-class family trying to make ends meet and do right by our family and our community. For others who meet us for the first time, dozens of questions race through their minds and some of those questions actually get asked.

On Monday, Donna and I packed up Hunter and Skye and took them to a trial class in Tae Kwan Do. The primary focus was for Skye; she is a dangerous combination of hyperactivity and willfulness that can drive the most patient person to the edge. We thought the discipline and workout would be great for channeling that energy without crushing her spirit. For Hunter, we are very aware that he needs to have the confidence to defend himself from the ignorance he will inevitably stumble upon when he starts Middle School. He's in the last part of his 4th Grade year, so Middle School is only a calendar year away. And words can only help him so much; as disheartening as it is to admit, he may have to defend himself physically one day.

When we arrived, we met Linda,the secretary for the Tae Kwon Do school, who sat with us and Skye and reviewed the pricing and packages. She asked us who Skye's mom was and Donna answered, "We both are." Linda didn't skip a beat and said, "Wow! That makes you extra special." She got an A+ in the acceptance category. Donna and I were very pleased with the school, the other parents and the instructors and decided that we would enroll them soon.

Before we left, Linda asked Donna, "So, have you had them from the beginning?" Donna was confused and asked, "From the beginning of what?" Initially, Donna had images each of our children beaming down from some alien craft. Then Donna realized what Linda was asking and she said, "Yes, Stacy had one and I had one." Linda responded with "And then you brought them together?" Donna laughed and said, "Yeah, like the Brady Bunch."

Let me clarify for my readership that we're not exactly like the Brady Bunch, because we weren't married to other people with whom we had our children before we came together. We were together before there was a Hunter or a Skye. We planned for them like many other couples who do family planning and need a little help in the fertility department.

But, Linda's question is common. I would guess that most strangers watching us move through the world wonder how we were blessed with two great kids. What makes Linda uncommon is that she had an open mind to directly ask the question. I find that refreshing because she wanted to learn and was motivated by genuine interest in how we came to be a family. It's wonderful to have people in the community craving knowledge and understanding. It's wonderful to be presented with teachable moments like that and to know that Linda's question isn't undermining our family unit or questioning the validity of our family, quite to the contrary; I believe it strengthens the collective understanding and acceptance of the greater community in which we live.

Because I'm a bit of a philosopher, Linda's questions takes me to another more ethereal place. I believe we have had each other from the very beginning. I think God's plan for us was set in stone before we jumped into our current human experience. We've always been together from the beginning. Because as much as I feel confident to move through the world as an individual, I feel complete when I'm with my family.

I want to thank the Lindas of the world for asking the questions that build and strengthen the foundation for greater acceptance. It was a great question and certainly got me reflecting on how deep that question can go.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Miss Manners

Yesterday morning, my little girl Skye, who is 4 1/2 years old, crawled into bed with me and asked, "Mama, when will I turn brown like Mommy?" I murmured that she wouldn't turn brown. She then asked, "Then I'll stay orange forever?" I said, "Yes, honey." And very matter-of-factly, she was off to find her clothes for the day.

Skye is very observant and quick witted. She had spent the previous evening alone with Donna at the movies, so I'm sure she was taking note of the difference in their complexion; hence, her question. She adores Donna and wants to emulate her. And they are very much alike in the ways in which they love to be part of the action and in how their natural leadership skills emerge when they are part of a group. Watch out, because one of them is going to take charge of any situation they don't find to their liking.

I know I'm biased, but Skye's the kind of child who takes everything in and doesn't miss a detail. She can tell exactly what you were wearing weeks prior, down to the color socks you wore. She loves clothes, hairstyles, purses, shoes and makeup. She tells me that she loves cartoon characters or television stars simply because they wear her favorite colors. Her "signature" color as Donna taught her, is pink. Her other favorite is purple. So, if she sees both together, she thinks whatever or whomever is displaying these pastel colors is the epitome of good taste.

I'm finding it very interesting to watch her draw conclusions about a person's character based on superficial data, such as the clothes they wear. I find she is incredibly impressionable now and is drawing conclusions, right or wrong, on the data she has available. That's why Donna and I are making very sure that we are available to teach her about character; the intrinsic part of a person's soul that you can't see with the naked eye, but you can certainly see with your own moral compass.

Right now, we're teaching her manners. Simply coaching when to say "please" and "thank you" isn't enough. We're also explaining the importance of asking how someone is and waiting for the answer the person gives. Checking in on how some one's feeling after being ill is also something we're teaching. There are so many things that make up the character of a child that we often take for granted or don't consciously realize we are teaching them. So, we find in sometimes embarrassing moments that she's been paying attention to EVERYTHING. For example, when I said at three o'clock in the afternoon on Saturday that I would skip ice cream for dessert so I can start to lose weight, and then at seven o'clock later that evening, I was digging in to my favorite flavor, Skye told me  in the bluntest manner possible that I was going to get fat.  As astute as her observations are, the biggest challenge for Skye now is learning how to listen 90% of the time and talk 10%.

Right now, she's got it reversed. I've never met a child who can talk as much as my daughter. It's really remarkable and often humorous, but also very frustrating. It's so challenging to get a word in edgewise! How in the world do you get a vivacious four year old hell-bent on figuring out the world to stop long enough to listen and observe how she fits in? While Skye is awake, poor Hunter is relegated to the brief moments in which Skye is taking a breath for her next monologue to get a few words in.

A friend suggested that I only allow Skye five questions a day. I doubt that will help her thirst for knowledge and I'm afraid I'd be setting her up for failure and myself for frustration. So, I'm open for any suggestions that folks have in finding the delicate balance for keeping her spirit alive and thriving while keeping our sanity in tact. In the meantime, I'll continue teaching, not only in what I say, but in how I behave.

P.S. I joined Weight Watchers last night  :)