"Is Hell real?"

Hunter's questions cast out some personal demons

 Hunter has a lot on his nearly 11-year old mind. He's always been something of an old soul and very much in touch with his emotions and intuitive and sympathetic to the emotions around him. Even knowing this, I was profoundly moved when we visited the pastor of East Orrington Congregational Church, my childhood church home.

We stopped in when I arrived in my hometown. I was moved to visit because of an all too recent tragedy involving the alleged suicide of my hero, The Reverend Bob Carlson. He had been the pastor of the church when I was growing up and I needed to be close to his spirit. I wanted Hunter to see where I had gone to church, although the building I had attended was torn down decades ago to accommodate the growing congregation. My experience was the little church on the hill. Current parishioners are attending a much larger church.

Pastor Carl was warm and welcoming as he answered the door. The secretary had to take the day off, leaving Pastor Carl to answer the bell. Immediately we felt at home. Pastor Carl's gift was clear as Hunter opened up quickly and began asking him questions about the Bible, about the vestry, and about life.

Suddenly, Hunter looked a bit sheepish as he looked at me and then turned to Pastor Carl and said, "I don't know if I should ask this in a church, but is Hell real?"

I must have been visibly surprised, although I did my best to stay even-keeled as Pastor Carl prepared his response. He looked to me before he began and I gave a nod of consent to answer. 

"Hell is here right now," responded Pastor Carl.

I wasn't prepared for that answer, but I appreciated his candor and his ability to make an intangible concept understood by my son. Hunter was fascinated as Pastor Carl continued.

"We create our own Hell." He went on to share a story that I won't relate here, but it drove home the message that we are often the very ones responsible for our own torment . And the secret to escaping from Hell on Earth is to forgive the transgressor who put us there. Often, that transgressor lives inside us.

I find it fascinating that Hell was on Hunter's mind, since it was on mine too. Bob's death was far too fresh and the things he was being publicly accused of were terrible things. Things that when I read about them in other contexts, in other towns, I found myself quick to say, "There's a special place in Hell for them." My own harsh judgement was on trial suddenly, and I felt ashamed for being so self-righteous. My heart was aching and still does for the man that I knew to be kind and generous and loving. I realized I was in my own Hell, and had to trust that what my spirit told me was true. Bob was with God and being well cared for and cherished. Once I leaned into that belief, I found peace, and left my self-imposed Hell.

I am so blessed to have had  that humbling experience. Adding to it that my son was the one who helped lead me out of a Hell I hadn't even recognized before that moment, made the experience that much more precious.

"You two are one of the greatest couples I know"

As we celebrate Easter, I can't help but reflect on the symbolism that surrounds the holiday. It's not about chocolate bunnies, Cadbury chocolate eggs, and Easter egg hunts. It's a celebration of rebirth and resurrection. The promise of everlasting life and redemption. It is a time we are reminded to lean into our faith during our darkest hours and trust in the promise that God is with us, willing to lift our burdens if we simply believe.

I often wonder what Jesus was thinking as he celebrated Passover with his disciples the day he was arrested. The Last Supper was actually the Seder (family holiday ritual meal). They were remembering how the Israelis were freed from slavery.

I find it beautifully ironic that Jesus was about to free his followers from spiritual slavery, although they didn't understand the profound journey they were about to take with Him. This time of year causes me to reflect on my own rebirth. I love that my name, Stacy, is of Greek origin and means "The resurrection." There have been points in my life when part of me has died and my soul was resurrected with new hope and purpose.

When I came out of the closet at nineteen, the facade that I would ever be straight died. I chose to be authentic about who I was. When I made that decision, I leaned into my faith that my long term happiness would be better served by embracing all of who I was. At the time I came out, I was tormented with the fear that my sexuality was counter to my spirituality. Some branches of organized religion still think my "lifestyle" is an abomination. I only wish that they could see my "lifestyle" is very much grounded in the same family values they have.

Donna and I are received as "The Graffams", not as "The Lesbians"

When I married my wife and we became parents, the single person died and my perspective of how I fit in the world changed dramatically. I moved from a self-centered vantage point to a beautiful space in which I recognized how we are all connected and how important it is to create a loving, nurturing home for my children and my family. I want to instill strong values in my children so they understand the importance of contributing to  their community. I want them to demonstrate good citizenship and use their individual skills and talents to contribute to something greater than they are by themselves.

I believe that goal is being achieved. My family and friends know that I believe God speaks to us through one another. As I spoke to the crossing guard at my children's school today, she shared that Donna and I are one of the greatest couples she knows. She talked about Hunter's manners and  Skye's zest for life. We were talking about how being Gay or Lesbian is perceived in the world. She underscored what Donna and I have felt since we moved to Bergenfield. We are and always have been a part of this community and no one has ever made us feel like we had to work harder to be accepted because we are lesbian. We are not seen as the gay couple, we are seen as the Graffams.  

I hope and pray that all GLBT people find a place in the world like we have. If you do, you'll know how wonderful it feels to be authentic and be seen for who you are, not for who you're not.