Milestones

Over the course of the last month, Donna and I have had the pleasure of celebrating two milestone 50th birthdays with dear friends, and we've done that as I get closer to my own milestone of 40 years next month. It's understandably caused a lot of reflection about milestones and the journeys we take to get to them.

When we turn one year old, it's less a celebration of our own lives, and more a celebration that our new parents have been successful enough to get us to that point. So perhaps that first birthday celebration is more for the parents than for the child. I remember when Hunter turned one, we invited the whole neighborhood to celebrate  with us as family members from out of town joined us on his first birthday. We were thrilled that he was one and I'm sure he doesn't remember it at all!

Then, we turn five years old and suddenly, we're in school. We're learning how to read, write and most importantly, how to get along with others. It begins the rigor of a school schedule and fitting it into work schedules and after-school activities.

Suddenly, we're ten years old. We've arrived in the double-digit age bracket. We're on the cusp of being a teenager, but we're still fiercely attached to some things from our younger years. So, we show the world our cool, independent selves and retreat to the safety of our rooms to connect with dolls and action figures we would be mortified to admit to our friends or family that we still cherished.

Let's jump to sixteen years old. For girls, it's a "coming of age" birthday. We call it "sweet sixteen." I remember having a few close friends over and they presented me with a car key. I was naive enough to think for a moment that it may have gone to a real car (despite the fact I hadn't yet gotten my driver's license) and then I opened the Matchbox Ferrari. My friends had a good laugh and I have an unforgettable fond memory.

Eighteen years old brings the title of adulthood and in this country, the right to vote. For young men, it brings the obligation to register with the armed forces. Whether or not they join is now a choice, but in our history, it came with the expectation that if we were to go to war, they would serve, barring any medical conditions that prevented them from service. Again, for most of us, that year is a bridge to obligations and responsibilities our future presses upon us and the previous carefree existence that allowed for big dreams and plans of fame and fortune. When I turned eighteen, I was looking forward to my first year of college and leaving the home I had known until that point in my life. I was trying to decide whether I'd become the next Oprah Winfrey, a best-selling author, or a pastor. The following year I had come out to my parents and nothing would be the same.

Let's fast forward to our twenties. By then, many of us start families of our own, and suddenly, the strange behaviors our parents displayed become far less mysterious. Parenthood presents its own heady dreams and obligations. We want the best for our children and pray we're given the strength and resourcefulness to deliver the best. I was a late bloomer to parenthood and didn't become a mom until I was thirty. My early twenties were more like a second adolescence. I had come out at 19 years old, so in my twenties, I more than made up for the dating I didn't do in high school.

In our thirties, we're busy making a name for ourselves professionally. Balancing the demands of career and family often cause us to lose ourselves and we walk through our days cloaked in anxiety and uncertainty. Are the choices we're making selfish? Are they so fraught with sacrifice that we're martyring ourselves? Will our children take good care of us in our old age or will they be so resentful and burdened with therapy bills from the mistakes we made as parents that we are left eating cat food to get by in our golden years?

In our forties, we have learned enough from our twenties and thirties to realize that we can start to relax and enjoy life or we'll worry ourselves into an early grave. At least, that's what I am feeling now as I get ready to step into 40. I'm actually looking forward to it. For me, during my forties I will see my children finish school and start looking for colleges. Ironically enough, I will finally pay of my own college loan just in time to pay for theirs. I can begin saving for my retirement in earnest and dream with Donna about what we'll do when we have more time for ourselves.

I won't jump into reflections of what the ensuing decades will bring, largely because I have no experience to offer yet. Also, I want to make sure that I'm enjoying the moment, because moments pass so quickly now that I'll miss them if I don't stay with them by worrying about what's to come or what's already happened. So, I'll cherish the memories that my friend's have gifted me with as we've celebrated their 50th years and I'll look forward to enjoying every minute of my fortieth decade. One thing I do know is that to do anything less than that will have undermined everything I've learned up to this point.