Our Love Story

Today, when I checked my personal email, I enjoyed hearing from a fellow IBMer in India who asked me how Donna's and my love story began. It was wonderful to hear him recount and summarize so many of my entries. It was heartwarming to know I have such an avid follower of Out in Suburbia, yet the question about how Donna and I started had not yet been addressed. I guess that's because the focus of this blog is our parenting adventures.

It's interesting how parenthood can feel like the beginning and end of one's existence. The fact that we actually started our journey together before there was a Hunter and Skye is a nice thing to revisit. I actually feel like I'm watching a favorite movie when I recall how our love story unfolded. So, I'm going flip my story back approximately 15 years ago, when I met my lovely wife.

At the time, I was living in Central New York in the Syracuse area. Donna was living in Queens, NY. Donna and I started hanging out as friends. It feels like a Lifetime TV movie special with a lesbian twist when I think about it now. She was dating my neighbor and I was in a committed relationship with someone else. We would find ourselves hanging out and venting about life and love over a few beers and I quickly came to consider her one of my best friends. There was absolutely nothing else going on. Or so I naively thought.

Happy Valentine's Day to my love

During one visit, something changed. I can't even remember how it started, but she admitted an attraction to me and suddenly I had a V-8 moment of sorts; one of those epiphanies similar to those moments when suddenly you remember what you were looking for when you walk into a room with a purpose, only to forget why you were there to begin with. Once she was brave enough to admit her attraction, I realized why I would get so excited when I knew she was coming for a visit. I realized why it was so important to time alone with her, so we could enjoy each others company without our significant others. I had fallen for her.
 
As I  realized how deep my feeling for her were, I was caught up in the infatuation that comes with most new love. I still remember our first kiss. We were outside of a local club in Syracuse and I was trying to parallel park. I was so nervous, I mounted the curb. Then, the kiss happened and our romance began. Initially, it was difficult, because neither of us were proud about the pain we caused our partners when we decided we wanted to be together.

Both of us struggled with the guilt of hurting our respective significant others when we started our relationship. Most often when relationships start the way ours did, they don't last long. We both knew that. It scared me to death that I may lose her, because she meant so much to me. With Donna, it was different than with other relationships I had been in. She already knew all my quirks because we had started off as friends, so there was no pretense. That was a double-edged sword. My usual defense mechanisms wouldn't work with her because she knew me so well. I had never been loved so fiercely. And so I decided I was going to be selfish and keep what we had sacred.

We came together as a couple when I was 29 years old. Donna was older and her biological clock had begun ticking, so we didn't spend a lot of time together alone before we leaped into parenthood. We had our commitment ceremony in May, 2000 and by September of 2001, we were parents to a beautiful baby boy. Today, nearly 13 years later, we still wait for same sex marriage to come to New Jersey. We had our civil union in December of 2008, but we're still waiting for true marriage equality.

As we wait, I look over at my wife and notice that her hair, like mine,  has more gray in it; her eyes, like mine, have deeper laugh lines; and fatigue sometimes feels like a constant companion. However, our love story is still being written. I love her more today than I did all those years ago. Marriage equality won't change that, but it will at least reflect the commitment we made so long ago. I don't want equal rights as some kind of political stand. That's rarely why anyone gets married. I want equal rights because I want the protection that equality grants us.

As those who would oppose us that right continue to point to the destruction of family values, I only need to show them two very happy children and a community that respects and embraces us living authentically as the couple and the family we are. If anything, we're representing family values perhaps more so than some in traditional marriages. We're here not merely because of legal obligations, but because the love we have for each other transcends legality and reflects what we know God intends. So with that, I wish you all a very happy Valentine's Day. I know I'll enjoy mine with a heart full of gratitude and blessings.