I remember watching Oprah Winfrey interview 50 Cent recently and he told her about his feelings on faith. He said that after he had been shot more than six times and survived, he learned that if you pray, you can't worry. He remarked, "If you pray and you still worry, how's God going to feel about that?"
That quote resonates with me. And it really hits home today. I learned that after an eight month investigation, my childhood hero, the Rev. Robert T. Carlson, appears to have had several inappropriate relationships with children. I'm crushed. I feel duped, and I feel vulnerable. I defended this man throughout the scandal because I thought this man represented all that was good in this world, and now I realize that he was as fallible as the rest of us, and led a double-life. What he's accused of is so counter to his public image. How do we now pick up the pieces and make peace?
Investigators Close Case on Carlson
How can we guard ourselves and our children against the villains when they hide in plain sight? And how in the world do I trust my own judgement? Granted, my perceptions were formed as a child. I was nine years old when I met Bob Carlson and thought he was larger than life. I used to dream of one day becoming a pastor and a community leader myself, because of his inspiration. I will hold onto that inspiration and hope that I can bring dignity to the role if it manifests itself in my future.
However, there is a secret brotherhood out there that undermines the very spirit of justice they are put in place to uphold. I'm not sure how we can stop that fraternal order from covering up horrible crimes against us, especially when the crimes are committed against the most vulnerable amongst us.
I have more questions than answers now. My mind goes to Bob's wife and the East Orrington Congregational Church community and to the victims that have come forward. I pray that I find the faith to hang onto my beliefs about the goodness in the world and that it will continue to win over the bad. But I have to say, as a mother and an advocate for victims of bullying, despite all my praying, it's hard not to worry.
That's just it, we need to realize that as human beings we are imperfect. As youngsters we are raised to be in awe of certain professions, doctors, lawyers, clergy...and as adults, I think we wish we could continue that thinking, but, alas there are things that occur that just hurt us to the core. There are always going to be more questions than answers in this life, Stacy, you embrace good causes, you continue to try to protect your children from the "wolves in sheep's clothing", but they are out there, at times closer than you ever thought possible. It's terrible that one of your "childhood heroes" has done this, there is a deep dark secret in his life that led him to this....I do not have children but I worry constantly about what is happening in the world today; the hate, intimidation and bigotry...but hold on for the good that you do and the awarenessyou bring through this publication.
ReplyDeleteOh Stacy, we grew up with the same wide eyed admiration of him. So unbelievably sad. I can accept that he was human and imperfect, but I can't accept that he did harm. To so many of us, he was a beacon of God and all that is good. I struggle to picture the deceitful, calculating, and immoral side of him when he hid it so amazingly. He was always busy (which may have been the best cover) so no one would begin to suspect that he'd have the time to commit these horrific acts. My heart goes out to the boys he assaulted and I feel association guilt for having spoken so highly of him for all these years. He was good to me and my family. He drove to Boston to meet with Ahmet and me before we were married. HE married us. He helped Ahmet's brother obtain a visa to visit us. He was THERE for my family. Why were we "lucky" or "not assaulted"? How did he rationalize who he would help and who he would harm? I don't think I will ever have an answer or understanding. I can't imagine that Elaine knew ANY of this. If we all feel duped, what does she feel? She is left to deal with all of the aftermath. She lost a friend and husband. She lost a vision of what she thought her life was. Elaine is a wonderful person who will never be the same and I pray for her healing as well as the victims and their families. If only Pastor Carlson had reached out for similar help that he offered to so many others. For now, we can grieve as a community for everyone involved. Love, Shawna
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