As I was reviewing the changes in benefits during our annual enrollment period, I noticed that Donna suddenly appeared as an ineligible dependent. Given that she's been listed as a dependent since I joined IBM in 2002, I placed a call to our Employee Service Center (ESC) to find out why her status had changed. I explained that Donna had been an eligible dependent for years and was curious why she was listed as ineligible.
The specialist explained that I needed to send in an affidavit of Domestic Partnership. That direction didn't sound right, and I asked why they would need that since we were in a civil union now and were as married as we could be in the State of New Jersey. I also explained that we had already provided one in 2002. She explained that according to her protocol, a domestic partnership affidavit was required for all same sex couples and they didn't have anything on file.
So, although I was fuming at the inequity of the situation, on November 8th I printed out the affidavit, Donna and I signed it, and had it notarized (again, given we had done it in 2002). To hedge our bets, I included a copy of our Civil Union certificate (our Civil Union was done in December of 2008), so that I could make sure we covered all of our bases.
Personally, I felt like I needed to pull a Norma Rae-style protest and ask if IBM required all of their married employees to submit their marriage licenses. The informal poll I took amongst my married friends indicated they did not.
I checked our benefits website again today, and still saw her listed as ineligible. I took a deep breath and called the ESC again. The gentleman I spoke to was great. He looked into my records,saw that Donna had been covered for years and also looked deeper into the affidavit and saw that if we lived in a state that allowed same sex marriage or its equivalent (i.e. Civil Union), we did not need the affidavit. He further explained that it was not IBM policy to provide the affidavit, but that it was required for tax purposes by the IRS. It was also required of opposite sex couples who had a registered domestic partnership. I was able to exhale when I heard that.
I've been so proud to be an IBMer since being acquired through the PwC Consulting buyout. I love their diversity history of doing the right thing before it was ever legislated. We have a rich heritage of being inclusive and progressive in our benefits and definition of family. So, those weeks between my calls to the ESC shook my faith in IBM's integrity. I'm glad it was restored today.
I wish my faith in our country could be so quickly restored. I am flabbergasted that not only are we continuing to debate the legitimacy of same sex marriage, but we are actually trying to legislate inequity by not allowing it in some states. As I look at my wife and our two children and think about the way we have lived "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part" for more than 11 years, it baffles me that we are not afforded the same rights and privileges of marriage that our heterosexual peers enjoy.
If any lawmakers are reading this, I'd like them to consider having to sign an affidavit to legitimize their family. I bet anyone would be offended at the implication that their relationship isn't real until some stranger notarizes it.
Donna and I will have a blow out party when we can be legally MARRIED without having to leave the state in which we have built our family and put down roots. Our love is not a choice. . . it's what God intended. I can't wait for the United States of America to acknowledge that.
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