"But Mom, you can't judge someone by the way they look. "

Sometimes, we work so hard at instilling strong moral character into our children that when our own character flaws are exposed and we fall short of the lessons we're trying to teach, they call us on it. That's exactly what happened to us when Hunter was trying to learn how Donna knew a man they had seen earlier that day was gay. 

The man in question was a store manager at one of our local department stores. Hunter was with Donna when they had to go and return an item. From Donna's perspective, he was obviously gay. Donna said she could tell by his flamboyant mannerisms and his style of dress; both of which are completely superficial and stereotypical ways to recognize a gay man. Regardless of Donna's assessment, the man got Hunter's attention too, and he wanted to know what his story was. So, Donna told him he dressed the way he did and walked the way he did because he was gay.

Hunter was confused, because we've always told him not to judge anyone by the way they look. He wanted to know how we know when we're in the presence of other gay people. All of the examples we both shared weren't holding water with Hunter. I futilely tried to explain to him what "gaydar" was and failed miserably. My weak definition that gaydar is something all gay people have and it allows us to recognize each other deserved Hunter's criticism. My description flies in the face of what I like to think I work hard at; which is to create an inclusive, safe environment by carefully choosing the words I use and the behaviors I demonstrate.

Hunter simply said, "But Mom, you can't judge someone by the way they look." He's absolutely right. My sweet boy reminded me that none of us can jump to conclusions about each other based on superficial evidence. We need to learn how to treat one another with respect and dignity and work on overcoming our own biases and prejudice to see the person's character, rather than stopping once we see how that person decorates their character through their wardrobe choices or the rhythm of their swagger.

Investing the time to see the whole person yields such wonderful dividends. The payback that approach creates helps to enhance our own character. Because Hunter is absolutely right, it's not fair to judge someone just for the way they look. It's not fair to judge at all. What I hope to learn from Hunter's admonition is to accept each other in all of the diverse ways we present ourselves to the world. That way, the world will be a much more friendly, welcoming, and interesting place to be.