Monday, July 23, 2012

"This was a nice treat."

Recently, Skye was thrilled when we picked her up and took her to a friend's pool after day camp. That spontaneous decision brought much needed relief after sweltering for days in one of the Northeast's heat waves. As they were splashing together, Skye turned to Donna and said, "This was a nice treat."

I love how children are so in touch with their feelings and can articulate how they feel without self-censorship. Good or bad, our children have a penchant for expressing themselves. I hope they never lose that ability. Too often, the increased responsibilities associated with adulthood tend to dampen our spirits and limit our spontaneity. Those responsibilities create a filter designed to make sure we don’t say the wrong thing, for fear it will be misinterpreted. And that same filter, designed with the best of intentions, silences us from sharing even the most precious sentiments, for fear they may not be shared or acknowledged by the objects of our affection. Stress can be such an inhibiting condition.

I know I'm stressed out when I find myself sighing more, when my eyebrows are furrowed over my eyes, and my shoulders are creeping further up toward my ears. Skye does a remarkable imitation of my "IBM" face, and it's not pretty. It’s also disconcerting that my work face is not very attractive. One would think since I spend so much time here, I would make a point of enjoying it. It’s a shame that I may be sending mixed signals to my children. Who knows? They may very well shy away from working entirely if my face is any indication of what responsibility means.

Just today, I heard myself counseling an employee on the importance of work/life integration and the critical time management skill that affords that integration to happen successfully. I realized mid-sentence that I was as guilty as she was about setting aside time for family. Instead of sighing, which is symptomatic of spreading myself too thin; I took a cleansing breath to clear my head. And I remembered Skye and her complete joy at spending time with us at the pool the other day.
My blessings

During that visit to the pool, Hunter was enjoying his new-found confidence in jumping into the deep end, trying to touch the bottom of the pool. Even our dog was with us, on sentry duty, making sure the pool didn’t swallow us up. The joy all around me was juxtaposed against my feeling so fragmented. I wasn’t present.
Instead, I was worried about on boarding a new employee, making sure I spent enough time with my team on interim performance reviews, and calculating how much money we need to set aside for our vacation in August. I was in dozens of different places all at once, rather than simply unplugging and enjoying a much deserved break.

Skye’s simple appreciation and acknowledgement of what a treat it was to be together, enjoying a break from the heat, drove home my awareness of how much I’ve tried to take on and the limitations I have. Not weaknesses, just limitations. If I had my way, I’d work with our brilliant scientists at IBM to learn how to clone myself. That solution aside, I realize I have to practice what I preach.

I have to actively work on making sure I’m not over-scheduling myself, so I can truly enjoy the little time I do have with my family. I have to focus on my blessings, and see them as such, rather than allowing myself to cross into that negative space where blessings can feel like burdens.

So,  I have to thank Skye for reminding me to enjoy those treats. She’s probably not even aware the impact her words had on me. But, I will live more purposely now and stay in the moment, rather than getting lost and missing out on these treats God sends our way.

Monday, July 2, 2012

"Look Mom! It's a gay thing!"

Hunter spotted a Gay Pride Flag outside of a Presbyterian Church in Sleepy Hollow, NY, while we were driving to the Sleepy Hollow Cemetery. My mom was visiting us and she had always wanted to see Sleepy Hollow, made famous by the story written hundreds of years ago by Washington Irving. As we passed the the church, Hunter saw the flag, and yelled, "Look Mom! It's a gay thing!"

It's funny, I had a mix of emotions as Hunter made that thrilling observation. I still carry the emotional scars of my internal homophobia, which seem to be so close to the surface when my parents are near. So, my initial reaction was worry about how my mother would react to Hunter's statement. I fought an almost instinctual reaction to hush Hunter. I'm glad I didn't. My mother stayed quiet, but smiled, which gave me cautionary comfort. It's not that my mother isn't proud of Hunter's openness or of my family. It's just completely different for her to see our reality juxtaposed against fear she harbored for years about what might happen to me. It was fueled by what happens so often to openly GLBT people, which often results in fatal consequences.

One thing my mother and I share is a deep abiding faith in God and how it shapes our lives. I learned my faith from my mother, who raised me in the Congregational tradition, but her heart called her to join the Catholic Church just before I left for college. Ironically, one of the first conversations I had about my being lesbian was with her priest, who was remarkably helpful to me.

My family has enjoyed a different faith experience. Donna was raised Catholic as well, and given my Protestant upbringing, we felt the Episcopal tradition would suit us well. It has. One of the things I love most about the sacrament of Holy Baptism (BCP p. 308) is the prayer recited at the time of Baptism. Part of the prayer includes the phrase, "Give them an inquiring and discerning heart, the courage to will and to persevere, a spirit to know and to love you, and the gift of joy and wonder in all your works." The discerning part is what gets me every time. I love that we are asking the child to honor debate and inquiry. Not to accept things blindly, but to hold their own opinion, shaped by thoughtful prayer.
Hunter's discerning spirit fuels his pride

That discerning spirit is one thing I love so much about both of our children. I'm so proud of Hunter's joy in seeing things that celebrate his parents' community. He's a tremendous ally to us and just recently participated in the 2012 Pride NYC parade with Donna, riding shotgun on her bike with the Sirens NYC Motorcycle Club.

So, it's a profound blessing that we have raised two children who understand that diversity comes in all shapes and sizes, seen and unseen, but always received with respect and whenever possible, celebrated with unbridled excitement. Hunter continues to demonstrate character that I can only aspire to. I've said it before and I'll say it again, "I want to be like my son when I grow up."