Scared to Death

A few weeks ago I thought I was dying. I'm 39 years old with two young children and I was scared to death that I wouldn't see them again as I foolishly drove myself to the emergency room. I was having chest pain that radiated to my shoulder blades and made breathing very difficult. I drove myself to the emergency room because I didn't want to just brush it off as heartburn, which I do suffer from and which has become increasingly more severe over the past year. However, the heartburn usually responded to Zantac, and this time, it hadn't. It had been bothering me for the entire day and after dinner, it just got far worse than I had ever experienced before.

As I was driving to the hospital, the fear that I wouldn't see my babies again was overwhelming. I tear up even as I write this. I thought about my gentle nine-year old boy Hunter, who has such a strong sense of who he is and is so considerate of other's feelings. He's unusually adept at articulating how he feels and what he thinks; he's truly older than his years. He's witty and charming and has gorgeous hair and enormous blue eyes that seem to look into your soul. He wants to be a forest ranger and has such a deep love for animals and nature that I think it truly may be what he ultimately pursues.

At the same time, I thought about my sweet and outrageous little four-year old warrior princess, Skye. When she smiles, her eyes become twinkly little corn-flower blue crescent moons. She has a scandalous laugh that is far bigger than she is and she loves to pretend she's Michael Jackson. Even at four years old, she's definite about what she wants and has shown clear signs that she also has the determination to get it.She loves to go to church with me and has become known as "Lord Have Mercy" for her enthusiastic responses to our responsive prayers.

When I arrived at the hospital, as soon as I mentioned chest pains, I was immediately given an EKG, which was normal. Because I was still having chest pain, I was admitted. The good news is that my heart is strong. When I was given a strong antacid, Protonix, the feeling that some one's fist was in my chest finally subsided. So, the diagnosis was acute acid reflux. My doctor and my wife both feel it was brought on by stress. I can't disagree and I've been scared into being more aware of what I eat and how I take care of myself.

I was also made aware of my mortality and how precious life really is. Occasionally over the past few weeks I've wondered what my children would do if I weren't around. Thank God, they have two great moms, and Donna was a trooper during that crisis. She's a wonderful mom and made life as normal as possible for them during the time I was in the hospital, so they hardly remember it now. Our children also have a lot of other adults who love them and would step in to help Donna if I hadn't been so lucky. But, I imagine they would still be left with a lot of questions about who I was and what I thought about them if had died.

I'm blessed to have this blog because I think it will answer those questions. So much of who I am is because of them. They are the inspiration for the writing that I do on this blog and they are the reason that I'm a parent living in suburbia to begin with. This blog will record the joy I have in parenting them and watching them grow up. So, there will be no question at all about what I think about them. They are remarkable human beings that I have been blessed to call my children.

As far as who I am? I'm a writer who hit the jackpot when I became a mother. In addition to my blog, Gay Parent Magazine has also given me a voice to share my musings on parenthood. My favorite colors are green and orange, my favorite foods are Mexican and Italian, and my hobbies are reading and writing. I love to laugh and I love to listen to Anne Murray. I've been blessed with a great career as a manager and a proposal development professional at IBM. I'm inspired by the human spirit and I would love to be a pastor when I grow up.

I'm actually grateful to have been scared to death because it helped me see my blessings even more clearly. Lord, thank you for letting me walk out of the hospital and back into the arms of a great family. I can't wait to get down to the business of growing more and discovering things about myself and about them.