Saturday, December 4, 2010

"May I ask you a personal question?"

This morning I got a call from a dear friend of mine whose son is doing a paper on Gay Marriage. His junior high school class picked that topic as part of their social studies curriculum. She broached the topic by asking if she could ask me a personal question. I invited her to do just that. She asked me about the difference between a Civil Union and Marriage, and I told her according to the State of New Jersey, it's about semantics. But, as we talked, it became clear that it's about more than that.

I believe it's a matter of Civil Rights and that the State has legislated bigotry by not allowing me to marry my wife.

Though civil union and marriage both refer to some kind of union, they are different in many aspects, especially the legal aspects. Civil Union is not recognized by all states. This means that the agreement, which has been made through civil union, becomes invalid when a couple crosses into another state where it has not been recognized. When talking of legal protection, a couple who has married, will get the maximum benefits, unlike a couple who has been engaged in a civil union. Though couples engaged in civil union get some of the state’s protection, they will not get the maximum federal benefits. Marriage gives couples the right to file joint tax returns, and also gives them certain tax protection and tax breaks. However, these benefits are not available for couples who are engaged in a civil union. Another difference that can be seen, is that a surviving spouse will have all legal rights to the assets of a deceased spouse. On the contrary, the spouse is not entitled to inherit any property if they are engaged in civil union. In the case of family medical leave,  only married couples are entitled to it. (http://www.difference between.net/miscellaneous/difference-between-civil-union-and-marriage)

The two most important examples of the difference between "traditional" marriage and the Civil Union Donna and I have are Hunter and Skye. We each had to adopt our own children. Had one of us been a man, our names would have been listed on our children's birth certificates. The mechanics of how we had our children would not have been at issue. Like male/female couples with fertility issues, we had to try harder to conceive our children. It should be left at that. Instead, we had to do a second parent adoption to have equal parental rights. Apart from the moral implications, that extra step to ensure our parental rights puts us at a financial disadvantage as well. The only time those legal expenses are incurred by straight couples is if one of them is adopting a step child.

Like many complicated issues, I think it's imperative to breathe life into "social issues" by sharing personal stories.  The only way to humanize the conversation is to stand up as examples of those who are not recognized as important enough to enjoy the same rights and privileges as heterosexual couples. My marriage (and Donna and I consider our union as sacred as our heterosexual peers' marriages) is as precious to me as heterosexual couples' marriages are to them.

Now, I want to thank our school district for having the courage to build this issue into it's curriculum so that young people can thoughtfully consider the issues and hopefully learn that at the end of the day, all gay couples want are the same rights and privileges of marriage that so many others enjoy. I want to be able to introduce my wife without people doing a double-take, despite how subtle it may be. I want to be able to have the peace of mind to travel to another state in our Union and not worry about what happens if one of us had a medical emergency and our marriage was not recognized (a reason we have legal health care directives in place---another expense straight couples don't incur). I want to be able to have the peace of mind that if I were to pre-decease my wife, she would be entitled to my Social Security benefits. Now, I don't have that peace of mind.

Hopefully, our young people will give me that peace of mind someday soon.

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